My God, now I was really confused. I wanted to scream. Only my little diary, yeah my diary. Here I wrote anything I felt, things I could not say to my husband. I just shared with this diary. In this diary all about what I felt, about anything happened was written. Like this moment, I wrote for my husband.
My dear husband...
My heart is sick. I know no doctor can give me a cure except Allah. And please believe me I do hard to always love you. I never think to cheat you, never think to love others. But, this feeling came. I know this is love. And I am really sorry this love is not for you, but for someone who I never think and never want to love. First, I ignored this feeling. Then, slowly but surely I know it is not easy like throwing away trash on the street. I really only want you in my mind and my heart. A man who Allah send for me. Who my daughter called papa. But sometimes I can not stop my mind imagining his face. His voice, his smile and all about him filly my mind. It flies free like a kite in the sky. As it is. I feel like a bad women.
I didnot have words to say if someday you know about that. Iam ashamed. To you, to Allah, to our daughter, to everyone. I didnot have the power big enough to fight this feeling, or maybe cause Iam a weak women. Iam not a good wife, I have failed. Iam not sure if my sorry to you will given me your forgiveness. I apologize.
If I became you... Oh, I can not imagine if someone marry me and said he didnot love me. You see now? Iam selfish. But, you must know that I truly want to love you. If you sleep at night I look at your face, searching a moment to fall in love with you. I pray to Allah, I wish Allah would send a special love package to my heart where it was written your name. Only your name. Now, Iam trying step by step to love you. You know? Another man that I love. He is cold, unfriendly and harsh. Not like you, always that smile and friendly. But, he has something interesting inside. I do not know what. But its makes me feel like this. Oh ... my husband please forgive me. At this moment, I promise to keep my heart for you. I will fight. Because I know Iam yours. So please forgive me and do not hate me. I want to spend all my life with you and our child. I promise as long as I can, I do the best I can ... for you. I know it is hard but it is my promise. I do it for our life, our family. I hope Allah blesses us.
I closed my diary slowly and put it on the table. I looked at my room. Now, I felt I already to start step by step trying to love my husband. I saw his picture. This man who always said I love you every morning to me. I did not want to loose his love.
My heart is sick. I know no doctor can give me a cure except Allah. And please believe me I do hard to always love you. I never think to cheat you, never think to love others. But, this feeling came. I know this is love. And I am really sorry this love is not for you, but for someone who I never think and never want to love. First, I ignored this feeling. Then, slowly but surely I know it is not easy like throwing away trash on the street. I really only want you in my mind and my heart. A man who Allah send for me. Who my daughter called papa. But sometimes I can not stop my mind imagining his face. His voice, his smile and all about him filly my mind. It flies free like a kite in the sky. As it is. I feel like a bad women.
I didnot have words to say if someday you know about that. Iam ashamed. To you, to Allah, to our daughter, to everyone. I didnot have the power big enough to fight this feeling, or maybe cause Iam a weak women. Iam not a good wife, I have failed. Iam not sure if my sorry to you will given me your forgiveness. I apologize.
If I became you... Oh, I can not imagine if someone marry me and said he didnot love me. You see now? Iam selfish. But, you must know that I truly want to love you. If you sleep at night I look at your face, searching a moment to fall in love with you. I pray to Allah, I wish Allah would send a special love package to my heart where it was written your name. Only your name. Now, Iam trying step by step to love you. You know? Another man that I love. He is cold, unfriendly and harsh. Not like you, always that smile and friendly. But, he has something interesting inside. I do not know what. But its makes me feel like this. Oh ... my husband please forgive me. At this moment, I promise to keep my heart for you. I will fight. Because I know Iam yours. So please forgive me and do not hate me. I want to spend all my life with you and our child. I promise as long as I can, I do the best I can ... for you. I know it is hard but it is my promise. I do it for our life, our family. I hope Allah blesses us.
I closed my diary slowly and put it on the table. I looked at my room. Now, I felt I already to start step by step trying to love my husband. I saw his picture. This man who always said I love you every morning to me. I did not want to loose his love.
I read a story for Rani when My husband arrived. Rani rushedinto his embrace. My husband approached me, he smiled. Oh ... God, please give me a moment to love him now. "Pa, mom said she loves you very much." said Rani.
I looked at my husband s face, he was still smiling. "And you know dear? My love for you and your mother is more than your love for me. I do anything to make you happy." He said and looked at me, his face full of love for me. I knew in his eyes nothing he said was a lie. I could feel it.
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